A Terrible Thing

I haven't posted to my blog in a very personal way in such a long time that this may be somewhat surprising to a lot of people.. but I need to be completely honest with myself and others... and this is the way things have been for a few years now.

I had a terrible realization this morning while getting ready for work. It was one of those 'good god' moments that sobers you up and snaps you into a different place and mind set.

If I were asked to give up one thing right now, either my IT career or my music, and never have anything to do with my choice again, I would choose to give up my music.

That dropped a nuke on my entire line of thinking this morning. My job has entrenched me into the subtle drudgery of every day life. It appears that up until I figured it out (and gave myself the either-or-scenario), I valued my stable IT career way more than my abilities and desires as a blooming musician. That is sad. Sad and pathetic.

At times it seems that the iri$ of my eye$ i$ green, and all I can $ee is the luxurie$ of life afforded by my day time job (and cho$en career path). With our failing economy, and how expensive things are in the Seattle/Bellevue area, I definitely am trying to do the best I can to properly put away money for things like a home, retirement, family trust funds and investments.. but is it all worth sacrificing for a "hobby" that is responsible for a large part of shaping who I am and how my soul is?

NO!

I sit back and I view my good friends who are doing what they ultimately love to do. Starting from essentially nothing and putting in the hard work and efforts to throw themselves and their skill sets out there in the open world, battling for a scrap of a chance to start careers in their dream jobs. Photographer, 3D effects artist, web designer.. I have surrounded myself with friends who are artists at heart.. and for the most part didn't sell their soul to corporate America in exchange for a comfortable means of living (better yet.. for luxury.. which is beyond comfort).

Around me are the tools, the people, and the time availability to do something with my abilities as a human being. To go beyond the simple act of "wash, rinse, repeat" in daily life and make a difference in the world around me.

What am I so afraid of? Why can't I just let loose and write the music that is swimming in my head? Am I so caught up with trying to infuse popular elements into tracks that it's like trying to force blood the wrong way down a vein? It just won't work.

I remember being a teenager and listening to everything I could get my hands on (that was electronic at the time). From Daft Punk to Paul Oakenfold (before he was involved with Maverick), I loved it all. The sweet spots for me were particular styles of- and feelings in trance, and the seasonal shifts and regenerative properties of house music (akin to Ian Pooley & Miggy Migs). Add in the down-tempo tunes from just about any ESL artist and you had the three genres I found myself in the most often.

I have another collection almost ready for release. I have things on a billion different side burners waiting to be brought over and fully cooked. It's high time I get my shit together and stop fucking around so much.

I am Sean Armstrong. I am an artist.